I can even remember his mistreatment of me while I was pregnant with our son, the son he wanted more than anything. I look back now and see what I didn’t see then. As soon as the kids got a little older he paid them less attention and me as well. He became more and more self centered and selfish. He was mean and hateful to me 80% of the time so when he was nice I guess I really grabbed on. He neglected and abused me emotionally and verbally but I had gotten so used to it that I didn’t realize what was happening.
I didn’t do anything right or good enough. He never liked my hair or my clothes. I cannot remember one time that he ever even made an effort to tell me or show me that I was special to him. I just kept hanging on to the hope that my love for him would be enough. I tried so hard to be a good wife. I always tried to make him feel special to me. I guess though, after years of being ignored and never doing anything right, I created my own little happy world.
The reality of a husband that ignores and neglects and talks down to you gets pretty harsh. On top of that I had to work full time, make sure all of our bills got paid on time, and I did all of the housework and most of the child-rearing. The only things he did was cut the grass in the summer time and occasionally cook dinner. I couldn’t try to have a conversation with him because he would turn everything around and accuse me of complaining. So, I stopped talking to him. I was almost scared to talk to him most of the time. Usually I would “escape” to my bathtub and then into “my other world,” the only place I felt I had any control.
I lived a happy life without him in that world. It wasn’t until he actually left that all of this came to light for me. That’s why I was having panic attacks! My gut told me has was cheating on me way before he left but once again I refused to listen. Scared I guess. So when I came home from work and found the “Dear Jane” letter he left I shouldn’t have been so shocked.
