She would not be able to avoid the pain and depression that would overtake her once she set foot in the door. HE was in there. He would control everything when she went in. If she was fortunate, he wouldn’t notice her presence and ruin this moment in the hot breezy oasis she had built for herself. She did not want to go inside. She could look forward to him leaving as soon as she came in only to return in the wee hours of the morning with the stench that only the combination of sweat and crack cocaine can produce. It always went something like that. Soon she would have the baby. It was already planned for a Friday. Huge salty tears welled up in her eyes at the thought of being around him for one more day. She was afraid he would miss the birth of this baby, just like he missed the first two. Her feelings were mixed. Should she go in? Or should she get in the car and drive away before he notices she is there? Her feet carried her up onto the porch, and she slowly opened the aluminum door.
She always went in, even though her conscience told her not to. Fear and uncertainty consumed her, but then, ambiguity was his modus operandi.
The six weeks she spent in therapy was a struggle at times. It took a nervous breakdown to reach an epiphany. Finally, she is clear minded without him there. Letting go isn’t difficult anymore. The breakthrough and decision to stop allowing him to be in control is empowering to her. Now, friends and family mean more to her. She appreciates them as never before. The fog that lifted and the new energy she feels says that it is time to move forward. The insane bonds that kept her from leaving him so many times are falling off. The ring is a reminder of the power he used to have over her. It will no longer reside on her hand. She doesn’t even feel obliged to answer his phone calls. Freedom is at hand. Freedom is her new companion. Individuality and independence become her own again. She has never felt so exhilarated. She intends to plant those zinnias again for the summer, but this time, no more darkness or pain, only bright blooming possibility.
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