Dating Tips for Divorced Parents

As a parenting consultant, I field a lot of phone calls and emails from parents who have done their healing work and are ready to try dating again. They all want to know one thing: What about my kids?

My response always starts with this: It’s a great question! And your kids are already blessed by having the kind of parent who would ask it.

At first, you may decide to simply lead a double life—enjoying an adult social life when the kids are with their other parent, and being a full time caregiver when they are at your house.

This compartmentalization works well for many parents for quite a while. And sooner or later, many of us decide we are ready for more than just an occasional night on the town.

Below are some suggestions for parents who are dating to find a new mate. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll write as if your date is male, and trust you to make the appropriate translation if this is not the case.

Before you became a parent, dating was just about you. The stakes were not high—if at some point things weren’t working well anymore, you could just walk away.

Now, becoming serious with someone means he will play a major role in the lives of your children. Dating when you have kids is about screening prospects out, not about making allowances or exceptions that grease the way for potential partners to glide their way in to your life.

Please set your standards HIGH. You are not only interviewing for the position of partner; this job description includes parental duties as well. Excitement on Saturday nights is no longer enough—you need someone who is also engaging and helpful with the kids on Sunday mornings.

Before you introduce your new “friend” to your kids, do your homework! To put it bluntly—put him through the wringer. If it doesn’t happen naturally anyway because your kids get sick or your child care falls through, then deliberately cancel a date or ask to change the time or meeting place. His reaction to the change will give you a sense of how he handles the inevitable schedule adjustments that are part of the parenting package.