I want to stand on the highest building in this damn city and scream my lungs out, until all the frustration, hurt, and hatred has left my entire body. I want to lie in bed and cry my eyes out until I have no tears or memories of him are left. Most of all, I want to change the situation all together. That’s how I am—I want everything to just be okay and go back to the way it was even if it wasn’t a healthy relationship and I was emotionally abused. Emotionally abused, it’s taken me a long time to refer back to this two-year relationship as those two words.
I have replayed the situation so many times, tried to tweak it so that he looked or sounded better than he was/is. Telling myself over and over again that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t my fault that the relationship ended. It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t take the horrible name calling and manipulation any longer. It’s weird how I still can find ways to blame myself, like somehow I asked to be belittled and neglected. The only thing I should be blaming myself for is the fact that I allowed it to happen for so long. Thinking he would change, he really loved me enough to stop and value me for my true worth? Stupidity on my part.
It has been a few months now, no contact since that day where I finally stood up to him and for once screamed, name called, belittled and cried right back. I can still remember how good it felt to have my confidence pour out of me so freely, to not worry or care how he felt while I said everything I had been holding back for so long. That was the easy part. I didn’t know the whole “moving on” part was going to be so hard. I know what your thinking, how could it be hard to move on from some jerk that made you feel like nothing? But believe me it has been a struggle everyday since we’ve broken up and its still a mystery to me why. It actually makes me sick to know that I still think about him and wonder what he’s doing and what’s new in his life. I finally have realized I have to just let go.
I tell myself every time I want to call or text him, I deserve better. I deserve to be loved for exactly who I am, never being asked to conform, to change to be someone I’m not. I deserve something genuine and real. So as of right now I’m learning to love myself first. The way I’m learning to move on and get over him is to love myself enough to want better and to expect more instead of less. To raise the bar and have standards. Never again will a guy define me.
