Recovering from Divorce: Honoring the Truth

Do you remember the old adage that states there’s your side, there’s my side, and then there’s the truth? If we were totally honest with ourselves, we too could see the truth of any situation. Once we accept that truth, we have the newfound freedom to gain clarity, discover our options and make real choices that are based in reality and not a subjective interpretation of what is. The past no longer runs the show. A world of possibilities opens that we might otherwise have missed. To recover from divorce one must face the truth.

The gist of the adage is that we don’t really see reality for what it is. Rather we see things through our interpretive abilities and we interpret things based on our past experiences. Reality gets fine tuned through our own personal filters. We live in a world based on the past, a world that no longer exists.

Here’s an example: Recently I was coaching a woman and we were discussing how she had interpreted her mom’s behavior to mean that she wasn’t lovable. She had a brother and a sister who grew up in the same home and they did not feel unlovable. How? The truth was that the mother was a non-emotional, logical, and somewhat distant person. Those were the facts. It had nothing to do with my client and yet she had interpreted her Mom’s behavior as meaning that something wrong with her. If she had been lovable, her Mom would have been the nurturing and loving Mother she needed. The client’s belief that she is unlovable has colored her entire life’s experience. Only it wasn’t true.

Facts versus interpretations. Now look at your divorce. What are the real facts and what are your interpretations of those facts? Perhaps your marriage broke down because you felt your husband was never happy with you and you were the target of his constant criticism. Your husband’s story is that you were never truly loving and nurturing and he was desperately attempting to fix that situation. The marriage counselor sees something different. She sees that you interpreted his attempts to receive more love as constant criticism. That is indeed how it felt to you. She also sees that he had been somewhat needy and his approach only pushed you farther away.