Obviously the less you have to do with your ex the better. That is not to say that you cannot have a relationship with your ex, but it has to be radically different from the one you had while married. There are those women who cannot have their ex in their lives for any reason other than the children. Their emotional ties to their ex are still strong and they need to isolate themselves in order to break those ties.
Set ground rules that determine the nature of this new relationship. These rules might include:
1) Communicate with your ex via writing and/or brief phone calls. Keep all communication limited to only what is necessary for the kids or legal matters.
2) When an upsets is looming or when your ex starts to speak to you in appropriate ways, stop the conversation and hang up or walk away. Let your ex know this new ground rule: you will speak to another in respectful ways and will not tolerate anything else or the conversation is over.
3) Ensure that your home is just that—your home. It is not a place to hang out with the kids. It is not his home. When he is in your house make certain he realizes that he is a houseguest like any other.
4) Keep your conversations highly impersonal and to the point. Protect your privacy. Do not discuss your fears, concerns, or personal issues because that only maintains the emotional tie between the two of you. Don’t talk about anything that opens the door to more connections or emotional entanglements. Keep it business-like.
5) Do not involve the children in any communication between the two of you. Don’t send messages through the kids. Keep them protected.
6) Stay out of each other’s lives. You don’t need to now where he goes, what he does, what he is thinking, or whom he is seeing … and he doesn’t need to know those things about you as well.
7) Don’t look to your ex for advice or support. This might be the hardest tie to break. I remember in the early part of my separation, I continued to treat him as myhusband when I called upon him for assistance with the kids. Wrong. Handle it yourself by getting support from friends or family. You aren’t married anymore and you will only be left disappointed.
8) Consider your child support or your alimony as your money and not a gift from him or an obligation.Your money, no matter how it is acquired, is your money. The courts determined that support and it doesn’t give him the right to comment upon or berate you about finances. If you are experiencing any problems with support checks, take it to your lawyer. Never beg or put yourself in an inferior position. Keep your true financial position to yourself.
9) Be careful of maintaining relationships with his family. Blood is thicker than water. If you have developed a friendship with your sister-in-law, make certain it is because you two are friends, not family members. Always insist that the subject of your ex is forbidden.
10) You are not a wife anymore and do not exhibit any behavior that mimics that role.
All too often women continue to do things, or relate in ways, to their ex that were part of their former marriage. If he needs support or someone to talk to about personal matters, he needs to call a friend and not you. You are not there to assist him as you did when you were his wife. You are not his wife anymore and not his friend either, at least not right now.
Perhaps in the future, when you have cut all of the psychological ties to your ex that held you back form creating a new life for yourself, you might be able to ease these rules. I doubt it. What’s done is done and what is past is past. Let go of anything that does not serve you well.
You will be much more successful in healing yourself and moving on if you have adopted rules and created an environment that keep you physically and mentally separate from your ex. The work of healing your emotional wounds and of learning acceptance and forgiveness for yourself and him demands all your attention. Don’t squander your time and effort on him. It’s all about you now, you as a single woman with an exciting and wonderful future in front of you.
Life after Divorce can be better than before. Not only can you survive divorce but you can have a vibrant, fulfilling and happy life. Women, you can become the creators of a new way of living.
