The Emotional Cripple’s Guide to Leaving an Abusive SOB (Part 1)

Even if the family tree had been littered with divorced couples, it would have been impossible for me to leave. X had me brainwashed within months of our wedding that I could not survive without him.

I found myself in an interesting situation because we were both in the U.S. Air Force at the time. X was twelve years older with a previous marriage and two kids under his belt. I was young and naïve.

Over the first years of our marriage, X took a bold, brash, vivacious, smart woman who was convinced she could conquer the world and turned her into a spineless, self-loathing doormat who questioned ever decision down to what shoes to wear with this outfit.

To keep me in line and under his thumb, X made sure I worked even after I left the Air Force, but never had any money. I knew it would take several thousand dollars to get my feet under me and start a new life, but no matter how hard I hid money, he always found it and spent it. Usually it was to catch up the bills or some other reasonable use of the funds, but it always served its purpose, to keep me broke and under his control.

He also threatened me. When our son was about three, we had a fight and I mentioned taking him and leaving. X looked at me with the most intense expression I’d ever seen him wear. He told me I could pack my shit and leave anytime I wanted, but if I took “the boy” he would hunt us down and kill me. He declared he would not “lose another child” to a woman. That threat was repeated nearly annually until our son was twelve. His tone and expression scared me and I knew he was not joking.

So much of his control was exerted through “jokes” and “comedic putdowns” that it got to where I never knew when he was joking and when he was serious.

Looking back I understand now he was controlling me, keeping me isolated, preventing me from making friends, joining any sort of social organizations, even attending a regular church. Letting me have a live outside the four walls of our home would have caused his control to slip and I might have escaped sooner.