The Fear of Infertility

Despite how difficult this time in my life was, I was one of the fortunate. That horrid experience with the radiologist produced positive results. We were able to rule out anatomical problems and focus on hormonal issues.

I went to the specialist once a week for almost three months. They gave me pills, took my blood, and determined that I needed a shot at a certain time each month to make me ovulate. We didn’t have to resort to artificial insemination or in vitro fertilization.

By the third month we were pregnant.

In retrospect, our experience with infertility treatment was mild, yet I will always remember it as one of the most challenging periods of my life.

I have never journaled as much as I did during my struggle with infertility. I took my journal with me to every appointment and, as I sat there waiting, I explored how I felt: the fear that dominated my emotional world and the physical effects of the treatment I was receiving. The hormones they were pumping through my system caused me to be even more irrational and unstable than normal. Getting pregnant was turning out to be far more of a roller coaster than actually being pregnant was. I felt like a wreck both physically and emotionally. Without my journal as a safe place to vent, I would not have survived. Journaling was my saving grace as I tried to adjust to the idea that I might not get pregnant, despite how desperately I wanted to. There were so many unfamiliar emotions swirling within me, as well as foreign hormones, that there was hardly a day I could get through without crying.

Now, when I hold my little girl, I marvel at how different my life would have been had it not been for the miracle of modern medicine. I think of how much she has impacted me in the four short months she’s been alive—and the many long months leading up to her arrival. I think of all of the women who have unwanted babies, and the countless others that long for a child, put in their time with infertility doctors, and must face the reality of not being able to conceive.