After the second no-start, I decided to take a break. We interviewed a natural cycle RE and did all the prep work. We’ll do some more cycles starting in April or May. I also went to a reproductive immunologist. If there was a test available, we signed up for it.
Laura: Would you advise others not to share these experiences with family and friends, who may want to talk about it with you later when you’d rather not?
E.M.: I think it’s very difficult to go through this process alone. It’s tempting to just tell everyone what’s going on—especially when you’re in the middle of an IVF cycle which is full of ups and downs. Suddenly you want to tell everyone everything. “My estrogen is over 600... I have seventeen eggs! I have no embryos...” etcetera, etcetera. From experience, I think it’s better to keep things close to the chest. You’re on drugs, you’re emotional, you’re in a state of expectation and anxiety, and you don’t want to have to manage other people’s expectations too. So you might want to keep the details of an IVF cycle quiet. If you get pregnant, you’ll have good news. If you don’t, you’ll be able to bear it alone.
When the second cycle failed, I was so upset I had my husband call everyone we had told. He even called my Mom. I just couldn’t bear it. He did an extraordinary job. But I’m not sure every partner would want the assignment.
Honestly, I think it’s good to tell only those who have been through it or who are very, very close to you. It’s better to rely on support groups, internet chat groups, etc… It can be tough to get overly involved with internet or support groups because inevitably some people will get pregnant and some will not. Typically, the pregnant people are in a state of high anxiety—worrying about maintaining the pregnancy—and it can get hard to continue to be supportive when your own cycle has failed. This said, if you trust a friend (or potentially two friends), you can tell them what kind of questions you can handle and how much you want them to be involved.
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