Laura: Were you shocked by what some of your friends or family would ask you?
E.M.: Completely shocked. As an example, the very first thing one friend said to me, after I told him we planned to go through IF treatments, is that we should be worried about birth defects with IVF. This is from a nice guy with two kids of his own. As if I had never considered the question. My husband and I had been tested for everything; we had done a ton of research about genetic defects, IVF-related problems, etcetera. We were super-educated about it and had been through a number of difficult discussions.
Essentially, we calculated that our risk was four percent instead of the “normal” two percent. I wondered if he had even given a second’s thought to his own possible risk factors. Also, my brother is brain damaged, but not from birth, from a childhood illness, so his question was twice as insensitive. I’ve never forgotten it.
A lot of friends say things like, “oh, it’ll work out.” My mother keeps saying, “miracles happen,” which in the face of hard facts is super unhelpful.
Or they tell you horror stories. “I had a friend who lost three babies,” type of stories. Even my OBGYN had to tell me a horror adoption story about a couple she knows who lost their referral in China because of SARS. I think it’s because people are at a loss—they don’t know what to say—so they come up with platitudes to dismiss the difficulty or they exaggerate the dangers or the trauma of childlessness.
Laura: What would you rather a friend/family member say to you—or not say? Is it preferable that they not ask about how it is going every month, for instance?
E.M.: I think it’s okay to raise the question occasionally. The question should be open-ended, such as: “How are you feeling these days about your adoption/treatments?” Or just how are you doing? It shouldn’t be a question posed with urgency, like: “What are you going to do?” Or: “Will that be soon?” Remember that everything takes time: tests, cycles, etc. What would you do if a person was undergoing treatment for kidney damage? Or cancer? You’d ask them how they are or if they need anything.
