Sitcoms Should Steer Clear of Adoption

I didn’t see the episode that got some China adoptive parents in a tizzy. I’ve never seen The King of Queens. I’m not into sitcoms, with their tired humor and cheesy laugh tracks.

But I read the online reactions to the series finale with interest. Even adoptive parents who kept telling themselves, “It’s only a sitcom,” admit that the show stung.

Here’s a synopsis: The show centers around a married couple, Doug and Carrie. They fly to China to adopt a baby. As soon as they get their baby girl—caution, wildly original plot twist ahead—Carrie discovers she is pregnant.

Doug’s response? Eyeing his newly adopted baby, he says, “What will we do with this one?”

There were other aspects of the show that chapped the hides of adoptive parents. As is common in any TV show that tackles the complicated adoption process, Doug and Carrie’s quest happened in fast forward. They filled out some forms and, bam, they’re on a plane. Their baby is just a few days old.

In reality, it takes at least four months to gather the paperwork necessary for a China adoption, including visits from social workers, doctor appointments, and long lines in government offices. (I went through what is known as the paperchase in 2005.)

Then, prospective adoptive parents wait and wait for a picture of their baby, along with a few treasured words about their child’s likes and dislikes. The wait for a referral is nineteen months and is expected to grow to two or three years because so many couples and single women around the world have applied.

Most babies available for adoption from China range in age from five to twenty-four months. Many parents-to-be long for a newborn, but fear of adoption laws in the U.S. sends them overseas where a referral of a toddler is likely.

Granted, all the bureaucracy and waiting around would not make for a hilarious sitcom plot. And, yes, we realize The King of Queens is not a documentary.

Still, we adoptive parents are a sensitive lot. Adoption is an act that opens doors into your private life, and strangers think there is no question too personal and no opinion too judgmental.

When a celebrity adopts, as the singer Sheryl Crow just did, it’s an invitation for people to offer comments.

 “It happened awfully fast. Why are you still waiting? Do you think she got special treatment?”

My response: “I don’t know her so I wouldn’t know.”

At times, it seems like it’s open season on adoptive parents, especially those who go overseas.

“Why don’t you want an American kid?”

We hear this over and over again, and it gets tiresome even for those like me who have adopted domestically and plan to go overseas for our second child.

We want to be parents. We research. We consider our options. We make the decision we think is best for our family. Some of us try to educate others about adoption. Others just roll our eyes.

Portrayals of adoption on television rarely help our cause. There was a dustup over an episode of Will and Grace that portrayed a family with an adopted daughter from China. The child’s grandmother expressed confusion over what this little foreign girl should call her.

On another occasion, a boy barked at an overweight man, “You’re fat!” And the man barked back, “Well…You’re adopted!” I think this happened on The King of Queens. Complaints about how adoption is portrayed in pop culture are so common, I have a hard time keeping track.

In the case of The King of Queens finale, Doug’s remark about what to do with the adopted child now that a fetus is growing in his wife’s womb makes it seem like our adopted children are second best. Leftovers.

We want our adopted children to be viewed as our children. Period. We would jump in front of a bullet train to protect our adopted child, just as any mother would do for her biological child.

It’s not just sitcoms that give skewed views of adoption. My friend who adopted domestically begged her mother to stop watching Lifetime movies, which often seem to feature various ways in which adoption can go horribly wrong. (Even A Father for Brittany, a beloved adoption weepfest in heavy rotation on Lifetime, is based on a wildly unlikely premise.)

I even dread any news program tackling the complicated subject. On a Web site for parents of children adopted from Guatemala, parents lamented that a major news show was preparing a segment. “I talked to the producer of the segment,” one woman wrote. “They’re going for the baby-farm angle.”

Yes, there is corruption in adoption, and the media exists to shine light in dark places. But the programs always appear so skewed, I end up wishing the news crews would shine their light somewhere else.

In the end of The King of Queens, Doug and Carrie do not discard their adopted child. According to E! Online, the final scene shows Doug trying to comfort two wailing infants.

Despite the happy ending, several adoptive parents commented on how the episode made them feel kicked in the gut. Some vowed to take their complaints to the network.

Sheesh, I can hear people saying. It’s a TV show. Lighten up.

Don't worry. We're not petitioning Congress to step in.

I’d just rather sitcoms steer clear of adoption. I’d rather someone else’s hardest, most amazing, life-changing moment be part of a bad TV show’s laugh track.