The desire you mentioned about “carrying life” inside of you is natural, and I think most women desire to conceive and see their pregnancy go to term and deliver a healthy baby. I still had that when we adopted. I don’t necessarily think it wrong to have that feeling.
We have suffered seven pregnancy losses. We have experienced infertility, miscarriages, a fetal demise, and a tubule pregnancy with twins. In between the losses, we did have one full term birth of our daughter. It is a hard call. I have always told my adoptive parents that they need to work on creating their family, and if they want to try infertility treatments while trying to be adoptive parents, they should. I just couldn’t imagine using birth control when trying to adopt after all the effort of attempting to get pregnant, and I’ve never felt I should ask my prospective adoptive parents to do something I wouldn’t do.
Just a few years ago my OB-GYN gently said to me, “Mardie, why are you doing this to your body?” in reference to all the pregnancies and then losing them. I know he just didn’t understand the desire to give it one last try. A few months later he discovered pre-cancerous cells in my uterus, and I underwent a hysterectomy shortly after that. Knowing I would never carry a child again was difficult.
Even with my “oven” (or as my daughter calls it her “first home”) gone, I still have moments when I experience “signs of pregnancy” and forget it is not possible for me to carry a baby. After so many years of wanting and trying and planning for babies, old habits are hard to break.
I counsel prospective adoptive mothers to pray that if God doesn’t want you to be a mother; He would take the desire away. For me, the desire didn’t leave me, and we adopted our son. You need to be honest with each other and find a medical professional whom you can trust. The chances of success in adoption are so much greater than with infertility treatments. When comparing the cost of infertility treatments and the cost of adoption, you will discover more help in financing and grants for adoption than infertility. Though the emotional ups and downs are about the same, they vary depending on the adoption route you take. Needless to say, when you look down at a child in your arms and those beautiful eyes are peering back up at you, and you know you are a mom—well, that is priceless.
