Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Newport Beach, California specializing teen issues. I recently asked her how parents can talk to teens about tough issues or just build stronger communication.
Kathy’s strategies differ depending on the situation. When you just want to keep the lines of communication open and get more than “Nothing,” in response to “Hi, honey, what’s new?” she recommends playing with your teen instead of trying to have “A Conversation” (ba-BOOM!). “It seems silly,” she says, “but they open up more when they’re distracted. Kids are smart! You can offer to have important conversations, but they may not want to say anything that can or will be used against them.” She suggests playing Scrabble or cards, relaxing, and engaging in conversation in a roundabout way. “Follow their lead,” she suggests. Most of the time, the teen will open up on their own about thirty minutes into the game.
But there are tougher conversations you’ll have with your teen than “What’d you learn at school today?” If you need to tackle one of the tougher issues, pick a calm time and a location your teen is comfortable in, and use a casual tone. You can bring up the problem directly, or use Kathy’s favorite opener: the Ask-the-Teen Strategy. “It’s a little ‘creative,’” she says, laughing, “but you can ask the teen’s advice for a similar problem in grown-up terms, and the strategy she gives you will probably work on her.” A good example is, “I’ve been thinking about this problem and wonder if you could help. I’ve got a co-worker who has been drinking and I’m worried he might get addicted to alcohol. What can I do to help him?” Sit back and really listen to your teen’s suggestion, because it will probably be effective on her.
What if the teen doesn’t respond? Kathy immediately answers, “If you’ve had one conversation, that’s probably not enough.” Try changing the location and practicing good listening skills, but if after five or six tries—or if the situation is too dangerous to risk a delay—you’ll have to take the upper hand. “There are infinite people who can be your kids’ friends, but only the parents can be the parents. I see a lot of problems when there’s a lack of role clarity.” She explains that when parents are submissive to their kids and want to be their kids’ friends, the kids will walk all over them and also become frustrated.
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