If a teen sees his parents trying to be his friends, he may think they’re not interested in providing for him, protecting him, or caring for him. If this is the case, the teen figures, “Well, I guess I’d better try to be the adult and protect myself.” Once this belief has set in, the teen doesn’t respect his parents and tries to take care of things himself.
Below are Kathy’s suggestions for dealing with two tough scenarios.
Q: My daughter is involved with a boy I can’t tolerate. He won’t look me in the eye and he’s surly and quiet. Since she’s been dating him, she’s started acting the same way and I’m afraid they could be using drugs together. How can I talk to her about her relationship and drugs? I want to make sure she’s okay.
A: “Based on that, I’d be worried. It’s totally okay to be honest if you talk carefully. It’s very important for girls’ self-esteem to have a male figure validating them . . . My experience has been that if you tell kids they absolutely, positively can’t see the person, the girl will tell her boyfriend and the boyfriend will say negative things against the family.” Don’t go in for the kill; instead, talk with your daughter about abusive dating patterns. Start with passive education unless it’s a dangerous situation. Help her to make her own healthy choices and be a safe person for her to be around. Last, Kathy says there are great education programs around that your teen—or both of you—can benefit from, such as a class on healthy dating relationships.
Q: I’m a single mom and my son’s dad has been out of the picture for years. My son knows the basics about sex, but now he’s fourteen and I need to talk to him about birth control and sexual responsibility before it’s too late. How can I start this conversation?
A: “If your child is a passive, shy type, I definitely wouldn’t pull out the PowerPoint. I’d get a book and casually let him read about it on his own . . . You can offer to talk to him, or connect him with a male family member—my preference would be a reference to a same-gender adult.” Kathy also says that she would pick someone in their thirties to help out with this because the age gap can’t be so great the kid won’t relate to them.
