Life as a Canary, A Diary (Age 14), Part 1

I act like I’m heavily weighing his words by wrinkling my forehead and nodding with mock interest. But all I’m thinking about is the clock and how it’s emptying Mom’s pocketbook. Twenty minutes have already passed. How many dollars is that?

“Ok, before we get started, I’ll need you to fill out some forms,” he says, clicking his ballpoint pen.

My pen doesn’t write, so I just look at the blanks and checkboxes that ask you for your name, age, and what you know about your family history. I don’t know anything about my family’s health, anyway. I look down, swirling the dead pen on the paper, pretending to be writing, until Mom says something startling.

“My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about twenty years ago,” she tells the counselor. “Her medications keep her mood stable. She hasn’t had any hallucinations since she started the treatments and medication about fifteen years ago.”

I know a lot about Grandma’s disease from experience, though this is the first time I’ve heard the official name for it. I certainly didn’t know it used to involve hallucinations. That’s something serious for sure, I think something that may have consequences for Grandma down the road, I don’t know. I’m getting a sinking feeling though, that whatever it means for Grandma, it could eventually mean the same for the three of us, too.

Now that we’ve had all the formalities we can possibly have, the counselor folds his hands on his lap and calmly asks who wants to talk first. My mom volunteers, pulling out from her overstuffed purse a long list of complaints about how out of control Toni and me are.

“I want them to shape up,” Mom says, folding up the paper and sliding it under her leg when she’s done reading it, as if someone’s gong to snatch it and prove she’s guilty of deceit.

The therapist then gives my sister and me a glance and says he’s going to give us a turn to say what we’re feeling.

“This is an opportunity to air your feelings about what life is like for you in general,” he says. “You can say anything that comes to mind. Try to focus on how you feel,” the counselor coaches.