In the best of circumstances, it’s tough being a teenager. But for teens whose parents are divorcing, the transition can be even tougher. At a time when the young person’s job is to separate from family, it’s the family that’s changing.
“[The time before and after the divorce] becomes almost impossible for teens because nothing’s there to bedrock their ongoing turmoil,” says Michael Schwartzman, PhD, a New York-based psychoanalyst and co-author of The Anxious Parent.
Says Justine B., a Virginia mother of five, “When my husband moved out, our oldest son, Tim, seventeen, was very angry and blamed me for just about everything. Charlie, who’s fourteen, went about his business and said nothing. He’s the one I was worried about … because he wouldn’t let me in.”
The good news is that divorcing parents can help their teens by being attuned to such signs of stress and following some practical guidelines on helping teens cope.
Dealing with the Other Parent
Don’t Badmouth Your Ex.
“My mother and father would say terrible things about one another,” says Sarah L., fifteen, of Texas. “Since I’m a combination of both my parents, it made me wonder which part of me they each couldn’t stand.”
When you criticize a child’s parent, you criticize her DNA, advises M. Gary Neuman, PhD, a psychotherapist in Miami Beach, Florida and author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce. “If you want to talk to family or friends about what’s going on, make the phone call when your kid’s not around.”
Let Your Teen See Both of You.
“I got to see each of my parents on a regular basis,” says Sam P., eighteen, a Pennsylvania teen whose parents divorced three years ago. “When we lived together, my father would be away on business trips a lot. But after the divorce and until I went to college, I saw him every other weekend. It made me feel a lot better.”
Be Flexible About Schedules.
Friends, school, sports, activities, and dating are the most essential parts of your teens’ lives. If your visitation schedule severely restricts your teen’s ability to enjoy these, you’ll meet up with resentment.
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