Cautionary note:
Parents need to be dependable as well as flexible. Decide which parent will attend the high school basketball game and let your teenager know whom to expect. Then show up!
Dealing with Your Own Relationship with Your Child
Be Accessible-Make Time to Talk.
Teens tend to hole up in their rooms, but resist the urge to leave your teen alone. For Marilyn A., a divorced mom in Georgia, the best time to talk is at family dinner-a ritual she instituted during the divorce. “It’s the place where kids reveal themselves,” she says. “It’s been huge in our lives.”
Make dates for shopping or the movies.
Dr. Neuman explains, “You don’t need to talk about serious stuff. Just [try to] connect.”
Encourage Your Teen’s Social Support System.
A favorite aunt, grandma, or friend can broach topics that parents can’t. Sometimes, teens think, I can’t talk to my mom or dad about that because it’s too hot. Be sure you let supportive members of your family know a call to your teens every once in a while would be appreciated.
Don’t Try to be a “Pal.”
A teen’s growing emotional maturity and a parent’s need for understanding may lead you to turn to the teen for support. Resist the impulse. Allow your adolescent to remain a teenager. Your teen needs to rely upon you, not the other way around.
Be Consistent.
Teens need limits and consistency, especially when they have two different homes and two sets of regulations. “Divorced parents should have a single standard of what the rules are around chores and curfews,” says Sam. “It leads to less confusion and fewer confrontations.”
Don’t Try to Buy Your Child’s Allegiance.
“A lot of parents express their love by being financially generous,” says Dorothy M., whose husband, against her wishes, gave their eighteen-year-old a car during the divorce. Of course, when one parent has a lot more money to give, that sets up an impossible competition.
For many families, divorce leads to financial hardship. “In the teen years … it becomes harder for parents to hide conflicts, especially over money,” says Russell Wild of Allentown, Pennsylvania, co-author (with ex-wife Susan Ellis Wild) of The Unofficial Guide to Getting a Divorce. “They also have to send the message to their teens that they are dealing with those issues in a responsible manner.”
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