Talking to Kids About Sex: When, How, and Why?

Parents who delay, dread, or simply avoid talking to their kids about sex may have been jolted into action by three recent studies. A 2008 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study found one in four female teens aged fifteen to nineteen has a sexually transmitted disease (STD). A second CDC study, released in 2007, found that the teen birth rate rose in 2006, for the first time since 1991. And finally, a study released in March by the University of Washington, found students who receive comprehensive sex education are half as likely to become teen parents as those who receive abstinence-only or no sex education. This adds to the evidence that our $1.5 billion national abstinence-only curriculum—which fifteen states refuse to adopt—isn’t working. No surprise there.

The new news, however, just highlights an age-old problem for parents: how to talk to their kids about sex. It’s something most concerned parents feel compelled to do, yet as far as awkward and botched conversations go, this one might rank the highest. For teens, the problems are also age-old: parents don’t usually converse, they tell, and they usually just tell you not to have sex. Plus, no teenager wants to think of their parents as anything but asexual; having a sex talk means you have to hear parents say the words—gasp—“vagina” or “penis” and possibly admit to yourself that your parents had, at least at one point in your life, sex. Gross. 

But maybe the point isn’t to wait until the teen years when it may be too hard to get through to you kids or simply too awkward for you. Maybe the point is to foster sex talk (never, of course, calling it that) throughout your child’s life. Children Now, a non-profit organization, and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) give tips on how to do just that:

Start Early
Instead of having one big, uncomfortable “birds and bees” talk when they hit their teens or tweens, the best time to start educating kids about their bodies is well before they’re even interested in sex. For instance, the AAP suggests teaching kids under three the proper names of their genitals—instead of made up names—just as they learn the names of other body parts. Around three years of age is also a good time to teach them what parts are public and what are private, such as those covered by a bathing suit. Take advantage of naturally arising teaching opportunities, which makes it easier to broach the subject. A pregnant woman can be a lesson for eight-year-olds on where babies come from; the swimming pool can teach your four-year-old what body parts are considered private, which are public, and how boys and girls differ.