When children grow up and leave the home, the parents experience an emotional ripple effect. While some parents admit to both anticipating and dreading the moment when the house is all theirs, certainly, life is never the same again. Many grieve. Some fall into a depression. Others take stock of their lives and yearn for a new direction—a new beginning. Some couples get closer, while others become even more distant. It’s a hard time, as most times of change typically are. For advice to help those suffering during this time, or for those anticipating an empty nest, I turned to Stephen W. Simpson, PhD, a psychologist specializing in relationships and sexuality who practices in Pasadena, California. Here is what he had to say:
Laura: Some women confess having overwhelming feelings of loss and grief when their children leave home. In fact, one woman admitted to having a harder time dealing with all the children out of the house than when one of her children died. Why do you think that is?
Dr. Steve: In one sense, it is losing a child. When children leave home, they’re usually transitioning into being self-sufficient adults. They’re leaving the child role. Thus, a woman is not just losing her child, but also her identity as a mother. It’s as if part of who she is vanishes. Yes, not being around her children is part of it, but not as much as you might think. By the time they’re ready to leave, most kids aren’t hanging around that much anyway. But a woman loses a big part of her role as a mother when children leave. Now she has to figure out who she is again and what role she plays in her adult children’s lives.
Laura: Some empty-nesters say the first year is brutal and report crying at the oddest times: during parties, at a store, or at a friend’s house. Is this normal? When should women be concerned that how they are reacting or feeling is a sign of a more severe form of depression?
