Dr. Steve: These symptoms are not only normal, they’re somewhat healthy. It is evidence of a strong bond between mother and child, and it should be hard to deal with such a big life change. However, the empty-nest syndrome can bring up other feelings of loss and questions about meaning, value and identity that can lead to a more serious depression. If a woman finds herself feeling sad most of the time or unable to function in work or relationships, then she’s passed from appropriate mourning into depression.
Laura: Is it normal to be depressed after the children have been gone for over a year?
Dr. Steve: Depressed, as in clinically? No, it’s not normal. Feelings of sadness are normal, but they should become less frequent and intense toward the end of the year. But it is normal for the first couple of months to be especially difficult.
Laura: Would it be helpful to have a plan before your children leave to help keep busy: start a new career, hobby, class?
Dr. Steve: Yes and no. It’s important for moms (and dads) to “reinvent” their lives a bit. They need to develop new interests and places to put their energy. However, it won’t remove all feelings of loss, nor should it. As I said, it’s healthy to mourn a little bit.
Laura: If one spouse is not as affected as the other after a year or longer, would you recommend that they both go to counseling together or just the one who is more depressed?
Dr. Steve: Generally, there is one who is more depressed. However, if part of the depression results from marital conflict, they should go together. Ideally, they would do both individual and couples counseling.
Laura: How common is it for women to suddenly have fears spiral out of control during this period? While some women say they just missed their children and grieved, others say they began to fear that their relationship with their husbands would fail, that they dreamed of dying and were suddenly more aware of any physical limitations. Is this a common reaction? When should a woman be concerned?
