Dr. Steve: This is common, but the key is (monitoring) how bad things get. The empty-nest represents a major developmental transition, just like adolescence. It’s a tangible signal that someone has moved out of middle-age into later-life. A huge life task, raising children, has been completed and has left behind a vacuum. This can leave a woman wondering about her worth, identity and the meaning of her life. The dream of dying is symbolic—her previous identity is gone. The awareness of physical limitations represents a fear of growing old and death.
A woman should be concerned when she goes beyond sadness into depression or chronic anxiety. She should give herself time to mourn the loss of both her “baby,” who’s now an adult, and also part of her identity as a mother. However, if she fails to transition into a new identity, finding new goals and passions, it’s a problem. Therapy, support groups or just finding friends going through the same thing can help tremendously.
Laura: Do you have any advice for the couple that is having a hard time adjusting to so much more time together alone?
Dr. Steve: One of the main tasks for empty-nesters is returning to a “dyad” (married couple) after years in a family system. The couple has lost one of their major bonds—parenting together. This is a time to rediscover their relationship and, ideally, reinvigorate it with common goals, romance and increased physical intimacy. The couple will have to adjust to spending more time together. Finally, some couples can take out their feelings of grief on each other. In the worst case, the kids were the only thing holding the marriage together. In this situation, the children leaving can result in a crisis leading to divorce. Such couples definitely need counseling.
