Notes from a Parenting Consultation

I just came from a parenting consultation home visit. As I was summarizing some key points from our session to email to her, it occurred to me that even though it’s out of context, maybe other parents might benefit from reading it. So here it is:

It’s okay for you to have needs!! Needs are part of the human experience. (In our Connected Parenting classes, Robin and I teach the ABC’s of Five Core Needs: Autonomy, Basic Essentials like food, water and safety, Connection, Contribution, and Creativity.) We all get snarky when we go too long without getting these core needs met, and then we aren’t the kind of parent, spouse, or friend that we want to be. Therefore, consider yourself permitted to find ways to meet those needs! (And there are plenty of ways to take care of yourself without compromising your values as a parent, so it’s not an All or Nothing situation. There’s quite a range of possibilities between having baby in bed with you and letting baby cry it out alone for hours.)

Parents are giving their children a powerful gift when they acknowledge their own human needs, as well as their children’s, with neutral matter-of-fact acceptance, rather than hiding them because they seem like weaknesses. Modeling has a greater impact than anything else we do as parents. It’s wonderful for our kids to experience the joy and connection that happens while we brainstorm creative ways for both parties to get their needs met. That’s a major life skill that will serve them well.

Baby steps! Big changes can happen in small increments. When you want to make a change or try a new experiment, it’s okay to take it slow. Look for the smallest possible step, one that is so small that it almost doesn’t even register on your radar screen as a change. A step that makes you say, Sure, no problem! I can do that easily!! For example, if you want to help the baby start learning to soothe himself a bit, wait just three seconds longer than you usually do before going to him when he starts fussing. Try it out, and see how it goes.