As I headed out the door earlier this week to speak to a group about sibling rivalry, I asked my fourteen-year-old daughter, as I always do, if there was anything she thought parents should know about the topic of the day.
“Sibling rivalry?” asked my honor student, bewildered. “What’s that?”
“When brothers and sisters feel like they have to compete for their parents’ attention,” I explained.
“Compete!?!” she snorted. “That’s ridiculous! I know I am your favorite, and I can have your attention any time I want it!”
I was sort of taken aback for a moment, not knowing quite what to say to that. Then I quickly decided that if my son, who is the older one, says the same thing, then we are All Good. It’s not a problem if they both think they can get what they need from me when they need it!
As I was processing this, she said, “But, seriously, Mom ... you love us so equally it’s almost painful.” (Since birth she’s displayed a Diva-sized appetite for attention and loyalty. She’s got the same birthday as Britney Spears, if that tells you anything ...)
“Equal” is a concept I simply never associated with love. For some reason, it just never occurred to me to worry about sibling rivalry. We baked a cake the day she was born to celebrate him becoming a big brother. Soon I was wearing her in the baby sling most of the day, and life sort of went on as usual for my son.
I didn’t make a big deal about special time, equal time, or, really ... equal anything. Doing that would have required scorekeeping, which I am notoriously bad at. There’s no little chalkboard inside my head. (It’s probably a learning disability or something.) So instead, I just tried to be there for both of them in the ways they each needed. That, I could handle.
I guess I have sort of a radical theory on the whole sibling rivalry thing: Perhaps if parents don’t tie themselves into knots trying to make everything equal, or trying to “make it up” to the older child, but instead focus on meeting individual needs as they arise, then the kids won’t get so caught up in scorekeeping and comparisons, or see each other as rivals.
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