I’m not so sure the older kid actually loses out on as much as many parents seem to think anyway. When his sister was born, my son gained a worshipper, a follower, a fan for life, and an ever-ready playmate who adored him and was at his beck and call. Is this supposed to be a bad thing?
Before she came on the scene, no one else had ever looked up to him with absolute trust and unshakable admiration. No one smiled with their whole body and lit up like a Christmas tree when he came in the room. No one followed his every move with rapt attention. Whatever he lost in terms of my attention, and I don’t believe it was actually all that much, he more than regained in her attention.
Of course, as always, we need to meet our children where they are. If the older sibling expresses disdain for the younger, we just listen, without correcting or judging his feelings. Feelings are only feelings after all - they come and go, and move along much more quickly when neutrally acknowledged by a loving and caring parent who does not freak out.
But we don’t need to feel guilty about “dethroning” our eldest. That throne gets kinda lonely after a while. Bringing home a sibling changes things—for the better and for the worse, but mostly for the better.
If he sometimes wants the baby to go back to the hospital, empathize with him. Babies are noisy and messy and demanding, and it’s okay for parents to admit that. We all feel ambivalent about change. That’s normal. Letting your child know it’s okay to feel that way will help him make peace with his own feelings, and he will relax when he sees you are not scared or angry.
We set appropriate boundaries on actions, of course, so we won’t let him act out his feelings by hurting the baby. But talking, even yelling, about feelings ... well ... that’s a mighty fine way to release them.
It’s repression that drives this stuff underground, where it festers and comes out as rage. Instead of trying to convince him that he loves her, or that things aren’t as bad as he thinks, or that you will spend some alone time with him next Tuesday to make it up to him, try just bringing it out into the daylight. Talk about the hassles together. Laugh about it. Grieve the changes together if that’s what needs to happen.
But leave guilt out of the equation. It’s just not necessary. You have enough to handle already.
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