Clueless or Enlightened?
You also need a tolerant man. The solo stroller-pushing dad remains a target for unsolicited advice from people on the street. “People pretty much think you’re an idiot,” says Mark. “They’d see me and say, ‘You need to give this baby some water’ or ‘Let me show you how to do that.’ No one would walk up to a woman and say that—that would be rude.”
Stay-at-home dads come to the role in very different ways. Some are pushed into it by circumstance, only to discover they have a real knack for it. Lynne and Joe Richer, both thirty-three, of Jamesville, NY, were working at the same bank, with their first child in day care. Then Joe was laid off as part of a merger and decided to take on the childcare himself. “It simply didn’t make sense to pay for day care when the salary he could or would potentially earn was not much greater,” Lynne says. “It was a financial decision initially, but it’s also given us better quality of life. I can work well knowing our kids are cared for by someone who loves them as much as I do.” And Joe has taken to the role so well that he now also watches a baby nephew at home each day.
Then there’s Glenn Mercer, fifty-two, of North Haledon, NJ, a founding member of the groundbreaking alternative band The Feelies. He and his forty-something wife, Jerry Flach, an IT project manager for an investment management firm, had the first of their two children in 1991, right around the time The Feelies broke up and Glenn decided to stay at home. “It was a natural process,” Glenn says. “I felt I needed to reassess my goals and take time off to recharge my batteries.” Contrary to stereotypes, Jerry says, her rocker husband was eminently qualified for the job: “He’s clean-cut, values-oriented and a dedicated father.”
Are all the “new dads” able to pull off playdates while maintaining their sense of identity? Maybe not all, but a lot. Although several recent studies of husbands and wives show a decline in marital satisfaction and an increase in depression after they become parents, new research from the University of Texas reveals that many stay-at-home dads report high relationship and overall life satisfaction. What’s more, many say they’re happier now than when they worked full-time, says study head Aaron Rochlen, PhD, an associate professor of psychology. But the research identifies challenges as well. Among at-home dads who were less satisfied with their lives, the key reason was their strong belief in traditional ideas of masculinity. “Those men tended not to be coping as well,” says Dr. Rochlen, “and also reported being less likely to seek social support. They may be quietly struggling.”
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