1. When taking off your baby boy’s diaper, don’t hold your mouth open and lean over him, making funny faces. This is serious! It’s true that when baby boys feel the cool air upon their little bits of manhood, they let loose powerful streams of pee, which doesn’t taste good. You should also consider throwing a wipe or cloth on your baby son’s bits the moment the diaper comes off. Or else, up shoots the pee into the air, and for a moment, you and your son might watch with surprised awe at just how high the stream gets; but then it comes down again and lands right on your son’s face. Sure, this is incredibly funny, but only for a moment. You now have an inconsolable baby on your hands.
2. Don’t work on the novel or screenplay three days after your baby is born. Yes, there is something inside you that tells you that you need to make $1 million right now, or else your growing family is doomed—and that novel or screenplay is just the ticket. This is just your caveman survival instinct kicking in. It will go away after a while. And there is plenty of time to work on your novel or screenplay—like, when you’re finally getting sleep and your brain is working again.
3. Don’t come home from your first day of work after the birth of your child and say, “Boy, what a day!” Come home from work and refuse to talk about your day until you hear all about the baby’s day and your wife’s day, even if it’s the most boring thing you could imagine. That’s the point! Don’t you understand that your wife is going stir crazy? She had to spend all day with a baby that wouldn’t let her put it down! And even if your wife has gone back to work, your day pales in comparison, pal. Ask her how her day was. Your day doesn’t matter. Don’t you understand that your wife had to spend all day away from the baby?
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