My Journey to Finding Me

When I was a little girl, I had dreams of doing really big things. Then I met the proverbial boy and found love. As we all know, love has a way of making your dreams seem a little different than at first thought.

I got pregnant with my first daughter and, of course I was young, so I had to explain this behavior of what I had done to my family and to my surprise, they were pretty supportive. It was the boy I was in love with who was not. I had my daughter and became mother and father instantly. I felt guilty about not having a father for her. As my childhood was not the best and I wanted better than what I had for her. So came the journey of finding a man that could handle the responsibility of child who is not his to somewhat support me in my endeavors whatever they may have been.

I tried to do right and do the whole get married thing. I did not marry for the right reasons. I was not in love, I was not in anything except out of my mind. I realize this now looking back on that time in my life. Amidst all of this I had another daughter. I was trying to make the best of a very bad situation. I lost what little bit of myself I had, I had not one friend at the time that would tell me any advice. I was a lost soul. When my daughters revealed to me that it was OK to leave, I knew at that moment, I better get out of here.

The next phase of my life has been a self-journey I think. I have remarried and the man—he tries. Sometimes I just think that all men are just dumb. But, we need them at times. So you decide in this life what battles you want to fight and what ones you don’t. I have slowly but surely gained some confidence and respect for myself. I am still plagued with the horrible childhood I endured and it makes me doubt myself as a mother at times. I always wonder did I say I love you enough during the day to my babies; did I hug and kiss them enough? It is my demons from within myself at times that makes this journey what it is.