T. tossed her coin right in and wished she had a lollipop. Then, looking right at me, D. threw the nickel I gave her into the water and said, “I wish my mommy and daddy would get back together again.”
I’d like to say that I put my arm around her and said, “it must be hard for you to be surrounded by all these strangers who really aren’t your family. I bet you miss your mom tonight.” But I didn’t.
I’d like to say that I thought to myself: “this is a normal thought for a child of divorce to have and I need to be mature and consider her sadness.” But that took several hours to occur to me.
No, I have to admit that the only thought I had at the moment was “How dare you wish that on MY nickel!” I was furious. I stood at the fountain and said nothing, glad only that her father was back at the bar and couldn’t hear the exchange. The girls ran off to play on the leather sofas nearby.
My fury quickly turned to shame. How stupid was I thinking that I had created the perfect little family to display for aunts and uncles and cousins and sundry? My ego was driving my behavior and I was not putting D.’s needs before my own. Had I brought her into a big family gathering too soon? No matter how much research you study or people you consult with when starting a stepfamily, nothing can prepare you for the stunning moments of rejection when a child makes her true feelings known. And while I had not come around until her parents’ marriage was already over, that didn’t change what I was to her: an obstacle to her wish that everything could go back to the way it was before I existed.
I try to be the grownup in my relationship with D. and sometimes I think I do pretty well. But that moment at the fountain, and many that have followed, slammed right into my heart and left me feeling petty and hurt rather than mature and kind. I wish on a million nickels that I could rise above those feelings all the time, but I’m pretty sure that’s about as likely to come true as D.’s wish in the Marriott Hotel lobby.
