Good Hair

A couple of weeks ago, I was at someone’s home talking with another woman who was also a guest. As we talked, my two sons were hovering around, quietly doing their usual Power Rangers imitation. My six-year-old popped over to demonstrate some of his moves for me, and this woman, who happened to be white, reached over and rubbed his head. 

“His hair is so cute!” she exclaimed. 

Whenever someone makes a comment about my children’s appearance, I always make sure to respond back by emphasizing some virtue or admirable quality that my sons are demonstrating, like kindness, truthfulness, and politeness. In this instance, I shared how proud I was that earlier in the day, my son had, unasked, offered his subway seat to an old lady. My son beamed under this praise and then ran off. 

My acquaintance continued on, sharing more of her opinion. “His hair’s so cute that it almost makes me want to marry a guy who’s black so I can have kids with hair like that.” She chuckled at the thought and started telling me how much she hated her straight, blond hair.

Then she speculated about what hair color and texture her future biracial children might get. She wondered if she’d “get lucky” and have some mixed kids with blond-tinged ringlets and blue eyes, because, “Those are sooo cute!” And hopefully, their hair wouldn’t be so “coarse” that she couldn’t manage to comb it.

I sometimes think people say the kinds of things she was saying when they’re trying to show how cool and un-racist they are. I get annoyed by those kinds of remarks but I didn’t want to start a debate at this get together. So, I replied back that I think everyone’s hair is cute, as long as it’s clean and healthy. And, I shared that it bothers me that black children, particularly girls, are often made to feel like their hair is ugly unless their hair is straight. 

I’ll admit though, I couldn’t resist bursting her blond-ringlet bubble. I told her that black children, as well as half-black and half-white children, can actually get lots of different and equally beautiful textures of hair on their heads. I shared that I am biracial, but I don’t have blond-tinged curls on my head, even though there are a few blonds in my dad’s family. 

She exclaimed that she would never have guessed that I was biracial because my hair just seemed “like any other black person’s.”

Suddenly my three year-old came running up and rescued me by asking me to take him to the bathroom. The woman ended up leaving early and I didn’t talk to her again. But, when I got home that night, I really started to think about how my boys are undoubtedly absorbing that there is some sort of intrinsic value, or lack thereof, to the texture of their hair.

Even before my eldest was born, I had several black women tell me that I should hope for a boy because boys are easier to raise.