“My tooth came out!” and I wanted to burst into tears. I was jealous that a different tooth fairy would visit her pillow that evening. (And, it turned out, a more generous one. I guess the premium on lost teeth is higher in Florida than it is in the New York metropolitan area.)
This small jealousy roused a greater one: my jealousy that I won’t be the parent to see her eyes grow wide in Jerusalem’s marketplace when she sees the mix of cultures, smells and tastes new foods, views ancient monuments, and hears different languages. Her first time out of the United States is happening once only, and her father and stepmother get that memory. There again, the constant reminder that the saddest part of divorce for a parent is you only get some—not all—of the experiences during these brief childhood years. I knew I was trading them away when I made the terrible and hard decision to end my marriage to her father, but I didn’t make the trade happily.
It doesn’t help matters that my husband and I are currently not in a position to travel, either ourselves or with our kids. It won’t take long for T. to notice the contrast between her lifestyles at her parents’ two houses. I know, I know—the material goods don’t matter, it’s the love and security and she has that aplenty with us. But while I’m on the subject of jealousy, it would be disingenuous of me to deny those twinges.
So I’ll let her go, send her off with hugs and kisses as she boards the plane, and be happy that she’s among the lucky few who get a chance like this so young.
But honestly, I’ll be happier when she’s back at home with me. And there will be a part of me that will always wish I had had the chance to watch as she spread those wings of hers across the whole wide world.
Read last month’s column: Anatomy of a Sofa
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