I read this via email and would love to know who the author is! I laughed till I was holding my sides and tears streamed down my face. I had to share this with you all—I’m sure you can relate!
Lesson One:
Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Lesson Two:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their:
- Methods of discipline.
- Lack of patience.
- Appallingly low tolerance levels.
- Allowing their children to run wild.
- Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson Three:
To discover how the nights will feel ...Walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately eight to twelve pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10 p.m., put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Set the alarm for 3 a.m. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink.
Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.
Get up at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years.
Look cheerful.
Lesson Four:
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out ... Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson Five:
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
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