Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson Eleven:
Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month old baby.
Lesson Twelve:
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Lesson Thirteen:
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this three-to-five times a day for at least two years.
Lesson Fourteen:
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each “mommy;” occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson Fifteen:
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson Fourteen above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
