Mafioso Mamma

I’ve never spoken about this publicly. In fact, if you ask me about it, I’ll deny it. Saying something like, “There’s no such thing” or “You’ve seen The Godfather one too many times.” But, and lean in close because the Feds may be listening in ...The Costa Nostra (this thing of ours) is alive and well and I’m the Don Mom! What I’m about to reveal is somewhat unsettling and strictly Off The Record.

It’s not a life I chose. I was born into it. My lineage has the makings of an epic saga. So, I’ll begin, like all classic mob trilogies do, in the present.

It’s February 15, 2005. I’m ten days into the life of my second child. My first has avoided the Terrible Twos now for approximately three months. I am ecstatic with the knowledge that she is not like those other ill-mannered toddlers out there—screaming, kicking, and biting, raging in public with the parents who avoid eye contact at all cost, lest they be judged by others. Then at approximately11:32 I became a Made Momma. You see, something snapped. My sweet, round-faced daughter threw a WHOPPER, lay-down-in-the-floor, snot slinging, fist clenching, jaw dropping FIT.

It was the first time I had been out on my own with the new baby and the toddler together. She couldn’t have picked a more inappropriate place to express herself either. We were in a local jewelry store; the kind of establishment that has repeat customers and specializes in unique estate jewels and fine Swiss time-pieces. Heads turned as the silence was shattered by the blood curdling screams of my (alien abducted???) daughter. Unable to scrape her writhing body off the floor as I toted the newborn in his infant seat, I was utterly stymied. It was at this moment I knew exactly what had to be done. I made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. “Get up this minute and walk to the car or I will spank the tar out of you!” I whispered in her ear through clenched teeth, all the while smiling sweetly at the gawking customers paused in mid purchase. I was bluffing. I knew fully well that I couldn’t risk exposure and pull off a “public hit.”