Principal: “But Spencer, the others in the class look to you as a leader. Is this the kind of leader you want to be?”
Spencer: “But that’s just it. I don’t want to be the leader.”
Spencer was the top jock of the class, and was therefore, the leader, because soccer dominated the social dynamics of the class. But that role was not right for Spencer. When the kindergarten class had formed eight years earlier, Spencer’s mother and some other parents had decided to form a soccer team composed only of the members of the class. All were invited to join, of course, boys and girls both, and the team joined the local soccer league. One unintended consequence was that soccer and its norms were too powerful a factor in group identity, causing social standing to be based on a narrow range of values. It made some un-athletic kids feel bad about themselves and gave others like Spencer roles to play that were not right for them. It is important that a class culture be pluralistic enough for all kids to feel like they belong and to feel safe to define themselves comfortably.
This year first grader, Eva Grace, started wanting to be called Beau. She wanted to wear pants, dress like a boy, and to cut her hair like a boy. It was disturbing to the parents, as you can imagine. Her classmates were supportive, because being unique is the thing to be in our school. Since uniqueness is normative, you get social points for being yourself. Her teachers were cautious. They wanted to support her in her self-definition, but also knew the parents were not completely comfortable with what was going on. One May morning, when I got confirmation that it was okay for me to do so, I greeted her as Beau, and she beamed back at me. That was all.
My role in the conversations with parents had been small. In one meeting, I told them the story of Jorge, who in sixth grade decided to become Ellen. Ellen’s teachers under-reacted; three weeks later she was Jorge again. I said that supporting Eva Grace on her path of self-discovery meant giving her free range of movement. The outcome would take care of itself and be right.
