Fascination with Violence

For the best results, it is often a good idea to talk your positions over with a friend, husband, or father of your kids. It is the absolute best if all the adults working with your child are on the same page, but this is not always possible, and not necessary. Children can adapt to a world that is not homogeneous and consistent. They will have to—it isn’t. The important thing is your confidence.

It is a useful exercise to see his assertions as questions. “I want a machine gun for Christmas” means “Mom, what do you know about machine guns?” and “How do you feel about war and killing?”

As for violence, don’t go overboard. Humans, especially boys, have aggression and violence built into their systems. Do not be afraid, but don’t ignore it. I played soldier with toy guns from age five to ten. My favorite books and movies were about war. I played war games on into adulthood. My parents were not afraid of that. (They were afraid I would kill my older brother, though.) Nonetheless, I never fought on the playground (except in sixth grade when Jimmy Rodgers and I fought over Peggy Hubby.) After age ten, I sublimated all my aggression—which I think is considerable—into sports. I only played to win; I never tried to hurt anyone.

We all are different; some of us have more incipient violence in us than others, but it is certainly normal and to be expected that your son would be interested in his best friend’s father being a boy soldier and firing a machine gun. That could sound exciting. At the same time, the experience of real violence is so scary as to make one never want to think about it again. Anyone who went through it would want to talk about it with friends in order to metabolize it into their system. Your son will come to understand the horror of violence through natural processes. It doesn’t all depend on you.

From the Principal’s Office: Lessons on Learning, Life, and Parenting is published bi-monthly. Each column is written by Rick Ackerly, a distinguished educator with thirty years experience in middle and elementary school education, who is currently the Head of the Children’s Day School in San Francisco.

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