Stoking the Fires: Finding the Energy for Passion

“I’m exhausted almost all the time,” a mom of two told me the other day. Another mom of two agreed: “I think the demands on a couple are enormous—children are requiring a great deal of love and attention and work is requiring focus.”

Sound familiar? I know it does for me. In one week, from dawn until bed, some of us moms are running nonstop. I know my routine is often solely focused on just getting things done quickly: breakfast, packed lunches, school drop-off, school uniforms, managing school pick up, managing the babysitter’s activities, playdates, working full-time, laundry, dinner, shopping, clean-up, bath-time, etc. And somehow, yes somehow, I’m to find the energy to work out (typically for me it now only means walking the dog) and to get “in the mood.” It’s so hard to switch gears and actually want sex these days. Most nights I’d rather have a bubble bath and read a good book once our son is in bed. One highly regarded sex therapist told me that a couple who goes two weeks without sex is in a state of emergency as orgasm releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that keeps couples connected. (See: Post-Baby Sex? Yes, it’s Possible!) 

This news can certainly upset those of us who do go beyond two weeks at a time—which after an informal poll, all moms of two or more children admitted to.

“If it’s after 11:00 p.m., you can just plain forget about it, you’re just too tired … I know there are times when we’ve gone over two weeks (without sex) without realizing it. Well I’m sure my husband has realized it, and he actually points it out to me—but I think mothers and wives are overwhelmed. I don’t think marriages are in a state of crisis when this happens, I think sometimes it just does,” said Jana Smith, a mother of three from Atlanta.

Mom of two, Hilary Rifkin, who lives between New York and London agreed with Jana.

“None of us should be made to feel inadequate or in need of therapy because fourteen days have passed without intercourse. What if we have cuddled? Nuzzled? Kissed? Spooned? Doesn’t that kind of intimacy count for something as well?”