Finish the Evening Off, Dirk Style

Valentine’s Day romance, according to Hallmark, means a dozen red roses, a candlelight dinner, and a box of mass-produced chocolate. Although no one’s going to get kicked out of bed for flowers and nougat, I’m thinking there must be a sweeter way to go from completely clad to nearly nude than the same, clichéd tactics … something that oozes erotic, screams sex, and has worked for real Romeos. This Valentine’s Day, I’m wondering: What Would Dirk Diggler Do?

Dirk was a well-endowed porn star, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t look for creative ways to woo his women at the end of an evening. He might start by offering a champagne cocktail, and then parlay this into an offer to play a board game. A board game? Promising to be anything but PG, Truth, Dare, or Chocolate is not your average Chutes and Ladders. It can be played with one or two couples (if you’re into that) and requires participants to answer questions, do sensual feats, and cover each other with chocolate. Dirk often ends the game early to let the real games begin.

Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be complete without chocolate. But Dirk would never just toss some sorry box of waxy cocoa into his lover’s lap. Oh no, Dirk would don an apron and whip up a pot of chocolate fondue, so he could dip, drip, and lick his lover into delight. To do so, he’d have succulent strawberries, passion fruit, and bananas for feeding and fawning. And since Dirk spent all day in the kitchen, he had time to whip up a batch of homemade, penis-shaped cookies, the tip of which he drizzled white chocolate. Oh Dirk, you’re such a tease. 

Of course, the eating doesn’t end just because you’re headed to the boudoir. That’s why Dirk is sure to be wearing a pair of edible undies that his partner can lick off while satisfying his or her sweet tooth. Dirk, a true gigolo, is conscious of the way his breath smells even in the bedroom, so he’s sprinkled his palace with some of these nipple shaped peppermint candies. The fun never has to stop.