Frog Sex: White Girl with a Fat Ass

Water. You can read as many diet books as you want, free-base ALLI, or convert the entire universe into Weight Watchers points, but if you are trying to lose weight, or simply be healthy—water is key. Recently I also read that dehydration can be a factor in a poor night’s sleep, and that it is beneficial to drink a glass of water right before bed. 

For me this poses an unusual conundrum. Living in Brooklyn, with a low rent that most of my friends would kill for, the only caveat is that I am at the end of a railroad apartment. And, rather than walk through my roommate’s room, I have a separate entrance. So unfortunately going to bathroom after hours involves a midnight run down the common hallway to the front door. Don’t forget your keys! We just got new neighbors and I’m dreading the first night I run into them in my PJs. “Hi I’m the thirty-year-old girl next door who can’t afford her own place and needs keys to go to the bathroom, but my room’s wicked big. Really it is, wanna see?”

This is my water reality. Upside, multiple health benefits. Downside, unusually difficult logistics surrounding my urination needs. Originally, I intended to now educate you further with some fun water facts and tips. But then, while researching the subject, I came across this piece of water trivia that hit me with a blast from the past: If you drop a frog into boiling water, it will hop straight back out again. But if you put it in cold water and heat it slowly, the frog will boil to death.

Now this may seem bizarre to you. So imagine my confusion and utter horror when the priest who led the classes my mother forced me to take in eighth grade as part of my Catholic confirmation used this very piece of trivia as an analogy for sex. As close as I can remember, his lecture was along the lines of: If a boy just came up and demanded sex, of course you would jump back and say NO. But if you think of kissing as the cold water, eventually things will heat up and, oh I don’t know, you’ll boil your vagina until Whoops! Your virginity has now met the same demise as the ill-fated frog. Something like that.