Feeling Helpless Because of the Cancer

In December I wrote about being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Today, I’ve had the surgery. My ovary, tube, one foot of my small bowel, and my Gallbladder removed. Now I’m recovering before I start an aggressive chemo therapy for six months.

When you have spent your whole adult life, being independent as I’ve always been; never needing anything from anyone it’s very different to become needy. Now I can’t even clip my toenails, which by the way need it.  In addition, you’re scared to death to go somewhere public for fear of an infection. Having heard all the rumors regarding redoing surgeries to sanitize and clean an infected area. MRSA, and other infections which are drug resistant and sometimes terminal … it’s horrific to the psyche.

So what is a woman to do? I’ve never needed care and since the operation January 18th that has certainly changed. Have you ever asked yourself if it happened to you? Would you have someone to drive you to doctor’s appointments? To cook and clean your home, while you move from chair to chair or bed to couch. It is not a pretty picture and as I move toward the aggressive chemo regiment it will get worse.

What do all these people who have no one? Especially if you’re older it has to have a devastating effect on your mental state. This in turn will affect your healing. You need sleep, proper nutrition, and care in order to heal effectively. It has to be a spiraling spin towards depression. I find myself sitting in my chair wondering what the next phase will bring. I gratefully have family and friends to share my thoughts with. What’s it like for those who don’t?

So for my journal today, I ask, as I take this walk. Would you like to hear more? Can I share the horrors in my mind or do most readers say. Keep them to yourself. We don’t need to know about your demons. We have enough surviving ourselves.

If you’re interested there is much more. I’m writing much of how I feel on my blog grammology. It has helped me sort out how frustrated, scared, and not in control I am. This for an old lady (sixty-one) who always had her days and weeks planned and structured. Being the boss, in control and knowing always, what to expect.