Hi everyone, my name's Ashley. I'm 19 years old and I believe I'm dealing with so much right now, more than most people even deal with their entire lives. Right now, I am working night shifts at a nursing home, and living here as well. I am a recovering drug addict, and I also used to be a cutter. I haven't cut myself in about 7 months, and I have 4 months clean from heroin/crack/cocaine.
I'm sure everyone knows how addiction goes, and how tough it actually is to get better. It's been extremely hard for me because my self-esteem is very low. Also, I believe I definitely have problems expressing my emotions. With all of this knowledge of myself and my character defects, one would image I could live a better life. Sadly, that is not the case with me. I have been fighting an eating disorder off and on since I was 16. I used to only eat once a day, usually an apple and then have to walk or exercise it off. Eventually, I started to actually eat, but I was eating large amounts of food, and then making myself vomit with the bottom of my toothbrush. I lost about 20 lbs – went from about 120lbs to 100.
Anyways, my sister found out so she helped me through it that time. So, for about a year I was eating pretty normally, didn't think I had an eating disorder mainly because I was fighting my drug addiction. Well, when I turned 18, I had an almost fatal drug overdose, which lead to a 28 day drug treatment center. I used to, once again, make myself vomit after each meal. I had always heard about people gaining lots of weight in early drug recovery, so I decided I could control it. Soon after, I relapsed and the eating disorder was once again put on hold while I saturated my mind with drugs.
About 4 months ago when I finally got clean, I began to get extremely paranoid that I was going to gain weight, so I started taking diet pills. When I started making myself puke again, I decided not to take the pills, since they tasted horrible coming up. So now I'm at this awful reality where I either don't eat, eat too much on purpose and make myself puke, or sometimes I'm ok. I'm afraid to tell anyone, even my therapist because everyone is so proud of me right now.
When Will It Stop?
By: Ashley Willow (View Profile)
2 readers
liked this story.
more from Ashley Willow
This is Ashley Willow's first story.
If you enjoyed it, please
leave a comment
.
Comments
Hey Ashley. Ok first, you go girl... you have already done some really hard work in your life. The kind some people NEVER do about theirs. And that tells me that you are an incredibly strong, determined young woman. That said, I am recovering from anorexia and the most important thing I have learned in the process is that my eating disorder is not really about the fear of being fat. It is a coping mechanism. By choosing what goes into my body, stays in there, or comes out, I gain a sense of control over something since I can't control the rest of my world. It is an addiction. Just like a drug addiction, it is another way to hide from emotions and pain. It numbs the pain, but it also numbs everything else. Hope, Love, Joy... those are masked by coping mechanisms as well. I encourage you to face those emotions. Talk to your therapist: that is what they are there for and they can help with understanding. Take refuge in knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
WOW! And I thought I had heard just about everything. I must commend you for your honesty and your ability to recognize what you do. Some people never do that. First and foremost, I must agree with Sarah that Jesus Christ gives us all HOPE. I was an addict for many years-losing my kids to CPS (4 of them) is what eventually led to saving my life. My major character defect was lousy communication skills. I could talk up a storm, but to convey my real feelings was impossible. Life is full of choices, Ashley. Only you can chose to make a better life for yourself. Period. My life was a hopeless end until I found God and now it's and endless hope. I also agree with Proud Grandma about the weight issues. Skinny is not attractive. Robust is way more attractive. Love yourself enough to make the right choices in life. Otherwise, you will lose control of the consequences. I wish you much happiness in the future. Email me anytime at tambonies@yahoo.com, okay?
hey ashley well i no wat ur dealing w/ please eamil me @ crazycheer61092@aol.com or on her eim 14 and my name is ashley 2 we have so much in common
Hey Ashley! I just want you to know that I have hope for you if you would like to hear about some hope. I used to be bulimic also, and addiction runs in my family, but my only hope is Jesus Christ. He is the only freedom that I have ever had and if you would like to hear about this hope than please email me. We'll never meet, i just know that you are in a desparate situation and Jesus came to heal the broken, not people who are 'good.' please email me! sel04b@acu.edu
Meredith, you should be proud of yourself and if you can stop a drug addiction than you can do anything that you set your mind to do. Weight is not a bad thing. alot more men perfer a heavier woman than you relize. I was a larger woman at one time ,but not huge, i got sick and i lost about 50 pounds and if i had not of been on the larger side i could have died? I had something to work with LOL. When i could eat again and i wasn't puking it up it felt so good to me and as the weight was coming back i thought i didn't want to be heavy again but on the other hand i would rather be fat, healthy, and living than to feel the way i did before. Everyone tells me i look better heavy and my husband loves it! Just be you and if you feel good don't let anyone put you down. Having a little weight on you may save your life someday as it did mine.
It feels good to write.
Your stories, musings, and advice are welcome here. We know you've got something to share, so jump in—maybe get a little famous. And don't worry—you can save a draft!
Other topics you might appreciate
