Then it got to be too much so I started not eating all through the day going home and making dinner for my boyfriend and I then I would go take a shower and get rid of everything, this was my way of hiding it. This has continued for a little over a year now where it is a daily routine. It has gotten to the point where I don't even have to make myself anymore, when I eat my body automatically rejects it. Since last March I have lost about 21 lbs I went from my highest at 123 down to 102, I have maintained my weight between 102-105 since January. My friends and family are noticing, they have been saying “you have lost some weight you’re not doing anything you shouldn't right?” I am now a size 0 in everything, and I continue to tell myself I am not small enough.
So recently I think I have been experiencing the consequences of doing this. I have been experiencing kidney pains every once in awhile, I have been more exhausted then ever before, no matter how much sleep I get I can barely function. I passed out the other day... I have come close before but never actually passed out. I can not concentrate for the life of me and I am very worried for 2 reasons that are splitting me apart. I am afraid I have been doing it for so long I don't know if I can stop; if I am somewhere that I can't get rid of it I get very grumpy and that is the only thing I can think of until I do. Other fear, I don't want to get fat I know I need to take up other ways to maintain my weight, but I barely have time to do what I do let alone go to the gym or anything else. I don't know why I wrote this I guess because I have not told a soul for an entire year and I guess I have wanted to get it out some how. |
Thank you for allowing me to do that, p.s. I went to my doctors last week to find out what was wrong with me... it occurred to me in the office while I waiting that this a lot more serious than I originally thought it was. I have always convinced myself it is no big deal I am not half as bad as other people who do it, but I have recently realized it is as bad, and it can hurt me, but I am not ready to stop it. I was so worried my doctor was going to see something and know, but he didn't, so I walked out thinking, okay so I am not that bad if he can't tell. I know stupid!!
Well, anyway, I have read things that say women who do these things have very low self esteem and have no confidence.
What to Do?
By: J C (View Profile)
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You've clearly recognized you need help. Please don't let this precious window of realization - and opportunity - close again. Remember there are many people who have battled the same thing your battling and they have come through it. You can too. I read the other day that as many as 15 percent of young women adopt unhealthy attitudes and behaviors about food. So firstly you're not alone and second there are many proven routes you and those who love you can take. Please help yourself - for real - and very soon.
I think it is very important and a step in the right direction, that you have decided to write this, and ask for help. Is there a close friend or family member that you could talk to and help you through this? I know the pressures of staying thin can seem to override everything, especially in this beauty obsessed society. But what you need to realize, is that your health, and mental well being are much more important. I hope you seek the help that you need to get through this very difficult period of your life.
Hi JC. I am worried about you. It doesn't matter that the doctor didn't notice your eating disorder; you know it's there. Your body is malfunctioning, you wrote so yourself. You say you want your outside to match the beauty of your inside. How is that possible it you keep attacking it and depriving it of nutrients? What did you end up telling the doctor as your symptoms?
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