Dying to Like Myself

The way life works is such a strange thing. What started as something I enjoyed, has now become  a nightmare. What was once something I thought of as glamorous, now drains my energy; physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am talking about an eating disorder. I find myself in this battle I cannot get away from. Daily, the desire to eat, versus the determination of becoming beautiful and thin. When I do eat, which usually I do, I make a point not to consume more than 800 calories a day. Any more than that means to go ahead and binge and throw it up or exercise till I wear myself out. I am soon to be 22, and have been at this for several weeks, but this is not my first time living out an eating disorder. No, my struggle began three years ago with bulimia, and with many ups and downs between then and now.

I have this strange thing with food. I’m afraid if I allow myself to eat I won't be able to stop. I suppose cause that’s usually how I feel when I do eat. I can’t gain weight, I have to keep losing it. So I can like myself.