It Always Comes Back

It all started when I turned twelve and started developing earlier than my peers. Of course when you start puberty you get boobs and you gain weight. I never had a weight problem when I was younger and was always pretty much a tomboy. I started gaining weight and before I knew it ballooned up. Kids in junior high are cruel and for the first time in my life was called the “fat girl.” I decided to go on a diet my freshman year of high school. I started to eat healthy and exercise more and began losing weight. That year I lost thirty-five pounds.

Then the comments started. “Wow, you look great!” Of course anyone who struggles with an ED knows comments like that add fuel to the fire. I started eating less and exercising more and losing more weight. The first day of my sophomore year of high school was icing on the cake. I remember walking into my first period and noticed the stares all around the room. By then I was 5'5" and weighed ninety pounds. People kept coming up to me and saying “How did you do it?” and “You’re so skinny now.” I lied and told everyone I’ve just been eating healthy and exercising when actually I was eating maybe a handful of grapes a day or a couple of crackers. My hair started falling out and I was always cold. I lost touch with friends and family and was always too weak to do much of anything. I remember passing out in the shower one morning and hitting my head on my way down.

Of course, my mom and stepdad were concerned. They said I needed professional help otherwise I would die from this. I did seek professional help and eventually started gaining the weight back. It was under control but only for a while.

My first binging and purging episode occurred shortly after that. I honestly was excited to get my health back on track. One night I remember eating dinner with my family and thinking to myself “I have to get rid of this! I don’t want to get fat.” Shortly after I told my mom I was getting in the shower but had other intentions. I turned the shower on, leaned over the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. It probably took fifteen minutes in all. I remember my eyes were watering and my throat and knuckles hurt but I was satisfied. It felt like a natural high to me. I thought, “This is great!” I could have my cake and eat it too.