New and Nervous

I told my story on here a few minutes ago but I posted it to the wrong forum sub-category. So, I’ll probably make this shorter. I’m forty-two years old and I have a horrible eating disorder.  The reason(s) it’s important for me to tell my story is because people need to know the consequences of bulimia—they’re real and unpleasant. Here’s what my bulimia has done to me physically, just this past year. October 20, 2007 I had to have a coloscopy. For those who don’t know, it’s where I have to where a bag on my stomach, by my belly button, where my intestines empty my bowels. It’s horrible. In August 2007 I was rushed to the hospital where I had ruptured my esophagus because I was putting a toothbrush down my throat. I was in the hospital two weeks and I have two big scars on my neck. In February 2007, I had to have my top teeth replaced with dentures due to all the years of vomiting. I took my first laxative twenty years ago and I loved the way it made my stomach feel flat. That was back in the 1980s and eating disorders or bulimia or laxative abuse wasn’t talked about or not heard of much then.  

Over the years, I’ve always been 5′5″, 105 pounds. I know now it wasn’t about the weight. It was about something much more emotional, spiritual, and very deep. I still suffer from laxative abuse. But I’ve come a long way, by the grace of God. I’ve always and still do count calories and grams of fat. I’m obsessed about restriction. I don’t vomit as much, due to the scare, but, I still abuse laxatives. This is very sad as I read this. I knew there was a reason why I felt the need to share this. People need to know how powerful this disease is. I truly believe if I don’t “get it” soon, I’ll be dead in five years and that’s reality. I think how I fell through the cracks is that I went to treatment at Remuda Ranch in Arizona back in 1994 and eating disorders were just beginning to get more notice. I don’t believe I accepted it or even admitted I had a problem back then. My family and internal specialist made me go. I know now it was never about the weight. I liked the feeling of “not feeling.”