Obsession

I have begun a cycle.

Well wait … not just recently, but it has originated LONG ago. I just have created myself into a disaster. I keep saying okay never again, this is it, I’m done. But then it happens again.

I don’t think my life will ever be the same. I don’t know how to get out of it. I need to go to the doctor to refill my depression medication, and I am in nursing school so I can’t get a job and make money, so I need to depend on my parents for spending money for groceries, necessities, gasoline. Unfortunately, my mother will not give me any more money until I prove I’ve stopped smoking cigarettes, and have made another doctor’s appointment since she is not convinced I’ve gotten better or gained any weight. She doesn’t know I’ve started throwing up almost after EVERY evening meal. Never during the day, or after breakfast, or lunch, but just after dinner. I HATE the feeling of eating and then letting it settle, and feeling full and not moving around for awhile when watching television or doing homework. I don’t know why!!!??? I DON’T KNOW! I’m not afraid to go to the doctor … okay I guess I am a little bit. I’ve been having stomach issues lately and I know what is to blame. Ugh I’ve gotten myself into such a rut it’s disgusting.

The saddest part, is that my sister has even begun to hate the fact that I’m still pretty skinny. She’s suffered from anorexia WAY before me (like 2+ years ago), and has recovered by first undergoing bulimia as well afterwards for awhile. She needed special counseling, daily meal replacements (like the Boost Plus ones ), and even got a little chunky after awhile. Now she’s GREAT! My sis and I have NEVER gotten along in life, but for at least the past six months we’ve been best friends. Now she smokes weed, we both smoke cigs, and I have an eating disorder. What the hell. Although she says she’s very concerned and worried about me … that all her friends ask “Why your sister is so little? She looks like she’s twelve.” Well I’m twenty-one if you didn’t know, and I’m only 4′11", and I do have a baby face. But still, she says she doesn’t want me to die, and TRUST me, if I was as bad as I used to be with NOT eating, I probably would’ve been in the hospital by now.