There is Hope

I know all too well the pain and devastation of eating disorders. That is where my story begins, but there is another chapter to my story.

I was a small town girl with big dreams. I was going to go to medical school, travel the world, fall in love and have a family. However, those dreams quickly faded away as I sunk deeper and deeper into my eating disorder. 

Food was always a comfort to me. It was the only thing that never judged or criticized, and it was all my own. The tables turned my freshman year of college when my binge eating escalated, and I quickly gained weight. Food was no longer a friend but an enemy. During this time anorexia took a hold of my life. 

I no longer cared about friends and socializing or schoolwork. My days revolved around eating less and less while exercising more. The weight dropped quickly, adding fuel to the fire. At first I received compliments, but it soon turned to concern as I was wasting away. 

Then one day I ate and just couldn’t stop; my body was tired of being starved. I wasn’t going to let that stop me though, and I purged. It seemed like a simple act, but little did I know that this vicious cycle would soon take away everything that was left in my life.

I spent the next two years bingeing and purging and falling deeper and deeper into depression. I made promises to myself and others, saw therapists, avoided certain foods and did everything that I could to try and overcome the beast inside of me. I had lost everything of importance to me. I was a stranger to my family, pushed all of my friends away, couldn’t keep a job, and quit school. I once had a deep faith and was active in church and missions, but soon came to curse God. I felt so alone. Slowly, I lost the will to live. I feared someone would find me dead kneeling in front of the toilet, and yet welcomed, even prayed for death to come.