Not necessarily ... I’m NOT back to where I was over two months ago. I’ve thrown up for the last four days. I couldn’t tell you why. And I yesterday I don’t even WANT to think about. It wasn’t anything to be proud of. I ate things KNOWING I was going to thrown them up. Bad, Caroline. Bad bad.
Yea this definitely deserves some scolding. None of this, “Oh it’s okay because as long as you learn from your mistakes it is okay.”
Well that is true to an extent ... but saying that to yourself constantly and never actually going through with it is a huge problem, instead of an encouraging, positive solution. I really am upset at myself! But I honestly want to try again, without saying anything to my family, mother, and doctor, because I am not ready to give up on myself, and believe that if I reach out again to my mother for support, that SHE WILL give up on me, and take matters into her own hands, and possibly someone else’s like a support group or send me away for help at an ED clinic home.
I’m not ready for that. I’m STILL not ready to admit my problem is bad enough to do “that stuff” they have to do on “intervention” on television (A&E channel). Does this mean I’m not ready to accept my bulimia and anorexia? Does this mean I’m lying to myself, family, and doctor that I want to get better? NO GOD NO! NO! I cannot be moving backwards! Only forwards! I know I’ve come a long way, and am traveling down a different path, but it is definitely not a garden of eden yet, because that tree with the forbidden fruit is still in clear view, and still bearing fruit. Although, I know of the consequences of eating the fruit now, though making the temptation easier to resist, it does NOT rid of it. Still there is improvement to be made, but eating disorders are hell. I know I am better off than some, and that is good, but any ED, mild, moderate, severe, or in the making, is hell. This is because they attack you physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. As well as affect your family, friends, acquaintances, and future in all categories. Thank God I have you all.
