Wanting to Escape Myself

And as of today, my 11th grade year, I’ve focused myself more than ever on my eating habits. I cannot get the thoughts of eating, being skinny, being fat, in taking calories, and skipping meals out of my mind. I read the labels on everything and tell myself that I want to only consume 200 to 300 calories a day (maximum) and if it was a good day, I would actually follow this. But there are days when the brightness overtakes me and I just cannot say no to food. My worst enemy.

I’ve become so into it, that I stopped going to my friends houses for sleepovers, fearful that there would be lots of food there and I would be unable to resist temptation. I also stopped visiting with my aunt and uncle, only to avoid the usual dinner, or feast, prepared by my aunt each time I went to their house. Everything must have worked for awhile, because people made comments about me losing a little bit of weight, and how I don’t eat and act the same as I used to. But this feeling of imperfection constantly ruins anything, because even if given the chance to really have fun, I still think about hating my body no matter what I am doing. I feel as if I cannot be a normal person. I can’t take a bite, of anything, without wondering what is in the bite of food, or how it will effect me or that I shouldn’t even be worrying about this because I should have turned it down ten minutes ago.

I always plan the next thing I am going to eat and think about what I should and should not eat. Another major issue of mine is that I don’t like to eat in front of others, and if I do, I try to eat something healthy and cute and small so that it reflects off a nice image to others.

But, the biggest thing that bothers me, is that I cannot win. Despite the comments, seeing others, and hating myself, I still cannot keep what I would consider “good days” (of not eating much) in line for more than a week. If I consider myself doing well, it could be ruined in a matter of seconds by a small offer of a cookie or if there is a chance to have some type of dessert or if there is ice cream in the freezer.