The journal entries vary from being worse and better than this.
All of this was extremely hard. It is very hard work to try and achieve a better body. All of this wasn’t enough, because the results weren’t enough.
There was only one thing left that I thought about trying, being that i was desperate for anything that could possibly have a successful outcome.
One night, after munching on some cookies and other foods, I felt one of the worst feelings of regret from eating that I’ve felt throughout this whole journey. I could not, simply could not sit or stand or lay feeling so large and disgusting like I did.
This is the night I decided to make myself vomit.
It was the best way to be able to eat something without actually eating it. I didn’t have to worry about calories or fat when I could just simply rid them of my body. Ever since then, I resorted to this method every so often, here and there, and only occasionally.
But as the year went on and the months passed, I began to rely on purging more and more. Over the recent months of January and February, it became a once a week thing, until late February when it was once every few days, and then once a day, and sometimes up to three times daily.
I cannot always self vomit because I live with my mom and little sister in a small apartment where everything can be heard and known. Sometimes I am really sneaky about it, like waiting until late night, like 2 or 3 a.m. and going on a major binge and purging with in my room with low music while I know they are sleeping.
I will go to great measures just to purge. One night, I went for a walk, even though it was very, very cold and there were flurries and high winds. I had eaten so much but there was no way I would have gotten away with purging in my own house. So, after gearing up with my sweat-shirt and a winter coat, I took a walk around 10:00 p.m. over to the baseball field a few blocks from my house. I remember walking over to some bushes around the outside of the stands and putting my fingers forcefully down my throat to self-vomit and make sure I got everything out.
