I used to love the rain.
The sound of it hitting the windows;
the clouds it brought,
darkening the sky
and making me feel safe and closed in,
the gloom only slightly reflecting the shadows
inside me.
I used to love a lot of things:
Shopping at the Gap.
Swimming with my dad.
Going on vacation and being myself,
yet, escaping myself
and creating my own reality of sights and shows,
knowing that no one cares what I’m doing
or what I look like.
Celebrating events on TV
with Chinese Food.
Imagining myself the girl in the music video.
Now, all of that scares me.
Vacations of swimming and shopping
are milestones
which I cannot enjoy
until I am perfect.
New locations are now just filled with people
who have nothing better to do
than judge me
and notice my imperfections—
and point them out to me, as well.
